Although I am just entering my second trimester, I thought that I would share with you what I have learned so far about having baby number three. For those of you who are knee deep in three children, I do not need any insight into what is to come after baby arrives. The images that my brain have already put together, is quite simply enough....
The difference between my first pregnancy (an oops) and the second (also and oops) and third, (oops I did it again) is that you are smart enough to be terrified of the unknown. Childbirth is a complete mystery and you have the naivety to go through your pregnancy having no idea what to expect.
Baby two, you remember it, but are confident as a mother and your "woman power" allows you to overcome the fears, because although it hurts, you know you''ll get through it, and that it's worth it. Although you have no idea what is about to happen to your entire life when you bring that newborn home to a toddler. Up until now, you were confidant that you could handle a new baby, because you were rocking the toddler hood and had it all covered. You were super mom. Until that first week at home when your toddler is shitting on the floor, and melting down while you're trying to breast feed an over tired baby, because they kept you up all night crying and all you can do is sob because you feel like you have just destroyed your life, and haven't eaten or showered in three days because every time you try, either the baby is crying or your toddler is shoving something up their nose to get attention that they feel they're missing because you decided that you "should have another baby". Tell me I'm off base on this one?
Baby number three, I have TOO much information. NO part of me wants to push this thing out. I know what's coming regarding birthing, breast feeding, diapers, no sleep, and the general raising of another person. Can't pull the wool over my eyes. There is absolutely no possible way to convince my brain that it's going to be a breeze. I know too much.
I know that many of you know me are surprised by my admission of pregnancy. Especially when I have mentioned about a billion times that we were done. So believe me when I say that this came as a "shock" to me as well. Well, I guess it was more of a "damn....", I'll admit. When you become a grown up, and have finished having your children, unless you are on the pill (makes me crazy...literally), or your husband has had a vasectomy (has to book off too much work because he works a labor job), the birth control options that are available, suck. Frankly, when you have two small children, and work, and activities, and school....I suppose sex becomes much like it was as a teenager. You have to sneak around to do it. When you finally find an opportunity, neither one of you is going to sneak to "the drawer" to dig out anything. It has now become "mission impossible", and you have literally minutes to complete it.So you just hope for the best, pray your timing is right and wing it.When you're playing Russian Roulette, sometimes you lose. Ironically when I went to see my midwife she exclaimed in surprise, "I didn't think I'd ever see you in here again"! I replied "me neither". .....
One of her first questions was regarding birth control after baby. She inquired about the possibility of my hubby having a vasectomy. I'll tell you right now....he's having one. Either by a trained doctor, or by me while he's sleeping. Hell, I might even give myself a hysterectomy with a coat hanger, either way, one of us is going to be sterile after this little adventure!
Now I know that it sounds like I'm dreading this entire process. I'm not....entirely. I will confess that I am struggling with the "excitement" factor simply because I DO NOT want to give birth again. That shit hurts, it's scary, and I have already blown out my lady parts twice before. I'm over it. Very, very over it. Not to mention the lovely aftermath that happens to your body in the weeks and months afterwards. I really have no urge to have leaky breasts, or to have to wear a "diaper pad" for weeks afterwards, while sleep deprived and weepy. Again I point out....TOO much information.
Now for all you first time moms out there, please don't let me deter you from what is a lovely and fulfilling, amazing time in our lives. For all you second and third, and more mommies....laugh out loud. I know that as the pending arrival draws near, I will be excited about meeting this little person we have created. Mostly because I will be so damn done being pregnant that I'll no longer care about the pain, I'll probably debate ripping it out myself. Let's be honest, this isn't my first trip around the block.
But in all honesty, I get a little excited when I think about pulling out my babes sleepers, and newborn clothes. The thought of breast feeding makes my mommy heart scream with glee, and that newborn baby smell and cry makes my heart melt. Those first weeks at home are some of my favorite moments. With this baby, my hubby will be able to be at home for those first few precious weeks, when in the past he always had to go back to work just days after they were born. Selfishly I am thrilled to be able to send the kids off to school and get to cuddle with our newest addition and the man I am madly in love with. After all, this baby wasn't conceived in a Pinto, behind Taco Bell, with some guy I met at the bar. It was our gift of perseverance, and commitment to our marriage. By God's grace, he felt that we were worthy of another miracle. For that I am grateful. I do not care if this baby is a boy or a girl, the wait will be worth the most amazing surprise that we are granted in life. Now please don't get me wrong, I totally support those who wish to find out. We wanted a girl SO badly with Miss C, there was no way I could wait! Finding out with her was just as incredible as not finding out with Big R. Both experiences were amazing, and I wouldn't change it either way. But for me, at this point in my life, I want the drama. I'll admit it. This is the last kick at the can for me...seriously...for real this time....so I want it to be as dramatic as possible. I'm all for the families that find out the sex of the baby, get the 3D ultrasound, name it and share it all on FB. But I guess at this point in my life, I feel like the rest of my pregnancy would be like watching paint dry. Considering that I hate surprises, you'd think I'd want to know, but I KNOW it's a baby, I'm not going to birth a giraffe, so whatever it is, is just icing on the cake for me. I want our friends and family to be able to share in those first few minutes of amazing grace when we present this person to the world. I want them to be surprised as much as we will be. And besides, I have one of each already. I know it has to be one or the other? I don't care if it's bald or has hair, blue eyes or brown, or if it gets both of our ugliest features. The vanity of childbearing has been lost on me, as the only thing I pray for is health and wellness for this child. I pray for a healthy baby with all it's fingers and toes, working healthy organs and free of illness. I pray that I will be able to use my mommy life lessons to be a calm and relaxed mommy to both baby and my other two. The greatest gift that I have been given in this life is to be a mother. I hope that I never lose my ability to laugh at the terror and struggles that come with it, because as I have said it before, at the end of this life, I will not care how much money we had or the things that we have bought. I will remember the feeling of being a mother, and watching my most precious gifts go into the world and teach the lessons that we have taught them. So as I await the pending arrival of this person, I will share my journey with you. I'm warning you now, this could get ugly, but I promise in the end it will be all worth it.
Someday you will call a song to the wind,
and the wind will carry your song away.
Someday I will stand on this porch
and watch your arms waving to me
until I no longer see you.
Someday you will look at this house and
wonder how something that feels so big
can look so small.
Someday you will feel a small weight against
your strong back.
Someday I will watch you brushing your
your child's hair.
Someday, a long time from now, your own
hair will glow silver in the sun.
And when that day comes love,
you will remember me.
-Someday, by Alison Mcghee
