Gutted

I have come here tonight in a exhausted, lump of a person. I am struggling. I feel gutted and raw. I am lonely. As usual, I will wear my heart on my sleeve and be vulnerable, here, where I am free to be me. Send my thoughts into the abyss. I honestly don't really even care if anyone reads it. I write for me. I write for the other mommy out there who is also waging her own war, in her own way.  I write because I feel better, and maybe, someone else will too. They won't feel alone as they read my words. I won't feel alone knowing they were heard.

Those closest to me, friends and family are aware of a secret that I have been keeping. I have not publicly acknowledged it until now, and I'm not really sure how I feel about exposing it tonight either. My heart just needs a voice tonight. 

Last fall, my husband and I separated. We have been through more in almost 11 years, than many couple go through in a lifetime. We have struggled. We have survived. We have been triumphant.....we have failed. We are lost. We are damaged. It is painful. It is raw. 

Many people have been asking if we are going to get through this. Many days, I am strong in the belief that we can over come. Some days, I question if we can. I am often confused as to how I feel, what I need, and how to even begin to repair the years of damage that has been done. It has not been an easy road. It has been a road full of love for each other, masked in angry words, hurtful actions, and a tremendous amount of neglect, on both parts. I have been so consumed by motherhood, and the loss of myself that I stopped seeing him. I stopped listening to him. I stopped being his biggest support. I failed my vows. I failed my marriage. I failed. 

As this journey has progressed, I have found strength in myself in places I never had imagined. Strength is important, but you can only be strong for so long. I hit my wall today. I am emotionally exhausted. I am lonely beyond belief. I long for a place to rest, but tonight I was reminded, that I am alone in this journey. I am alone. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone, I get through the day.....alone. Every day. I am sad. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I take the blame. Sometimes I lay all the blame on him. Tonight I ran through our past. Our struggles. Tonight I cried. I cried for all the empty promises, the wasted time, and the feelings that were brushed under the rug. I cried over the neglect. 

I am struggling tonight. I am struggling to stay on track with my eating. I am struggling to get all the jobs done around the house. I am struggling with my self worth. I am struggling with fear. I am struggling with anger over how we ended up here. I am struggling.......It is real. It is raw. It is vulnerable. It is terrifying. 

I worry that I will never be enough. For him, or anyone else. When all the cards are on the table, am I enough? Are my insecurities too big? Is my anxiety too much to take on? Am I too demanding....too selfish....too spoiled...too emotional......too broken. Too broken? Am I too broken to be worth the time....

At the end of this road, full of pain and struggle, broken dreams, and broken hearts, I wonder what healing looks like. I wonder how much hurt lies ahead. I wonder when all this is said and done, who will I be. 

This is my heart, open and raw. Honest and unapologetic. This is my soul. It may not be pretty, but it's real. I will never be perfect, but I will be honest. Genuine. Terrified. Gutted.