Bringing up baby

Holy hell! I knew that I was dropping the ball on the blogging world since welcoming baby, but this is ridiculous.  I read somewhere that most blogs are abandoned after 180 days...guilty? I must admit that I have not been short on topics to write about in the last 10 months, but finding the time to sit and write is next to impossible. They usually pop into my brain in the grocery isle, as I'm fighting to keep a very mobile baby in the cart, wrangling the two big ones, and struggling to remember exactly what was on the list I left sitting on the kitchen counter. Time is my biggest struggle right now more than ever before. Let's face it, I wasn't doing so well before baby. I find myself clinging by a thread to the bottom of a very tattered list, and realize that by dangling without balance, I am failing. I recently went into emergency due to chest pains.....turns out I am so stressed that it presented itself as symptoms of heart attack. That's a problem. Not to mention that I am STILL fighting a weight battle that is kicking my ass. Time. Time. Time....if you fail to plan you plan to fail...but you need TIME to plan. TIME to put yourself on the list.
Motherhood is hard. No one really gets it, until you're knee deep in children, school lunches, permission slips, laundry, grocery shopping, house cleaning and cooking dinner......and if you're a working mom, that's an entire other issue all together. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING in the entire universe. I LOVE being a mommy, but I think I'm not alone when I admit that this shit is HARD.

I was blessed with a very "spirited" baby girl this time around. She is walking at 10 months, she is into EVERYTHING, she is high maintenance, she is demanding, she does not sleep, she is a pain in the ass to nurse, and she climbs in the fridge, the dishwasher and into every single cupboard she can. She is also damn cute, funny, adorable and full of joy. I can not imagine my existence without her. She is A LOT of work.....and it was my turn. Fine. I accept that. I had a really easy ride before this. I was due. For the first time in motherhood, I am forced to admit that I might need some serious help. Since babe started walking, she is KICKING MY ASS. I chase her all day long. It is impossible to keep up on the things I need to accomplish for the house to function, and run a business. All the while excessively sleep deprived. Did I mention she DOES NOT SLEEP? I am slowly dying inside. Honestly....dying. I see all these Pinterest and Instagrams of these fit moms....and I die inside a little bit more. I want to WANT to go the gym, sooooo badly. I am so beyond exhausted, that I fear if I use the small amount of energy I have on reserve, it will literally kill me. Yes people, I am THAT tired. It happens.

The last 10 months have been filled with so many highs and so many lows. I never in my life dreamed that I would get the baby that screamed for 5-6 hours straight as a newborn. After having the worst pregnancy of my life, I had dreams of newborn snuggles and fresh baby love. Instead I was alone while my husband worked away for 5 weeks. The screaming didn't start to lessen until around the 2.5 month mark. It was HELL. I mean literal, unbearable hell. I have never experienced that in my life, and would not wish that on anyone. I missed all the blessed newborn joy....it was replaced with screams. Hers and mine. Some days I would just scream. Just stand in the bathroom and pull my hair and scream and cry. I was alone. It was horrible. After I removed all the wheat, dairy, gluten and soy from my diet it became better. She started to blossom. One can only afford to eat that way for so long however, and once I fell off the wagon, it was like a dam broke loose. Food became my survival AGAIN.

After summer, I sent off my big girl to Kindergarten and my boy to grade 3 (it goes by much too quickly) and I finally started to get some balance in the fall. By Oct I was figuring it out! Kids at school meant I could hit the gym and put baby in the child minding which meant I had some TIME for ME! The weight started to come off, and I felt like I was gaining some control back in my life. Then mid Oct my boy got the chicken pox....then the girls got the chicken pox. Then my boy got the stomach flu....then I got the stomach flu. Then the girls got head colds. Then Christmas came and my business took off like a vengence.....Then New Years came....Then baby started walking and sleeping less.....do you see a pattern here? Shit. Is. HARD. I took myself off the list again. It's easy to do.

So the moral of the story is this.  Motherhood is beyond joyful, painful, difficult, easy, happy, sad, draining, uplifting, and worth every single moment of struggle. It is the greatest gift you will ever experience. It is the best job in the world, but sometimes we have to step back and look at it from another angle. Sometimes it means calling your mother in law and giving up the kids for an entire Sunday so you can FINALLY get caught up in the house work and just have salad for dinner while you watch grown up shows and eat in the living room. On those days, you may need to blast the music in your minivan that isn't from a Disney soundtrack, and you may treat yourself to the elusive Starbucks coffee while you shop Target without being forced to visit the toy section. But you most likely will anyways, because even though you desperately wanted to get as far away from your children as you possibly could, you can't help but think of them and plan for the next birthday party, or easter basket, or valentines day surprise.  Some days it goes too fast. Some days it can't go fast enough. But no matter what speed, it just goes away. They grow up before you blink. So tomorrow I will attempt yet again to get to the gym. I will try to find balance. I will try to put myself on the list. I may suck at it. But at least I'm trying.