As this Christmas season is upon us once again, it has lead me to thinking. Thinking about the past and how it relates to my present. Those memories of yesterday that mould us into who we become. Some of my favorite memories of my childhood are of Christmas. Being raised an only child, and grandchild on my dad's side, led me to believe that life was handed to you on a silver platter. By no means were we wealthy....far from it. But from a child's perspective it appeared as though we were. I never wanted for anything. In my Gran's words, I was "blessed"...not spoiled. However, no one ever says that you are a "blessed brat". And believe me, at times I was....according to my husband, I still can be. I have been blessed enough to have an amazing relationship with my parents, and grandparents. They have always supported me enthusiastically, and have always picked me up when I have fallen and failed miserably. After all, don't we all? When we are on the ground, face down in a puddle, don't we all pray for someone to drag us up, wipe us off, and encourage us to keep going, no matter how scary the road ahead. I have been lucky enough in my life to have the most amazing family and friends who stand far enough behind me to help me if I fall, but close enough to cheer me on as I forge ahead into the unknown. That is truly the greatest gift.
Christmas in our home was always magical. Although my parents have been divorced for several years now, my greatest memories will always be when we were a family. As I think back to those days, I no longer see it through a child's eyes. I see it as a mother. They worked tirelessly to make the holidays special. So many of the traditions that my mother started, I have passed down to my own children. They are the ones that are the most special to me. The ornaments that I have collected since I was born, adorn my tree and tell a story of my life. I have the very first ornament that my parents gave me. I was 4 months old. I have my parents first ornament from when they married....I have the last ornament from before they divorced, given to them by my Gran....who has been gone now for nine years. This is something that hangs on my tree every year to remind me of the love that at one time filled our home. To remind me of something that is much bigger than the presents that we all rush to buy, the hours spent rushing around to make everything perfect, the baking, the cooking, the wrapping. What I have realized as a mother, is that the memories that have stuck with me all these years, weren't the presents that I opened. Some of my most valuable gifts, had no value to anyone else. Years ago, after my parents had split up, my aunt had sent me a a picture frame with 3 images in it. They were of my cousin B and I, and we were children. I don't think I was more than 6. I broke down in tears. It is still, to this day, close to my heart.
My best memories are the moments that we shared as a family. My mother in her infinite wisdom, would fill my stocking with a barbie and barbie clothes. This would keep me happily occupied for the next several hours, while my parents slept. This is a little tool I will be using for my own daughter, I think it's awesome. She always thought of the details. That is something I have inherited from her. She is creative, and always had the best ideas to keep me busy...or in hind sight, to get me to do what she wanted. She was a teacher after all. She was, in her own right, Martha Stewart. Our tree was always fabulous! Each year she picked a different color for the decorations. I hated that. I thought every ornament should go on the tree....she did not see my vision. We usually fought about it. Some years I won, some years she won. This year, I decorated my tree with my kids....it is red and silver. My kids wanted to put every ornament on...I did not. This year, I won. The "ornament" doesn't fall far from the tree....
My dad usually worked, driving snow plow, on Christmas day. He would rumble into the yard and pick me up so I could go do a pass with him. It would be dark, and snowy, and the truck would be loud and rumbly, and it was something that was special between him and I. I was thankful that, although he had to work, I would get to spend the day with him. He and I would stuff the turkey, while my mom made breakfast. She always made the best Christmas morning breakfasts. As the day progressed, my Dad, Gran, Mom and I would all be in the kitchen. Because of those moments, I have no fear in making a full blown turkey dinner. For that I am thankful....I am however, less thankful that my husband hates turkey dinner. Who hates turkey dinner?
As an adult, there are always going to be events that I wish my parents were still together for. There will be moments with my own children that I wish I could share with my mom and dad, but I suppose a large part of growing up is acceptance. Although I miss our family traditions, I am so thankful to see my parents happy. They have both moved on to be with people that make them happy. Although the images that I grew up with are forever changed, the love that my mom and dad have for me, isn't. I have so many wonderful memories to make with my own children, and my husband and I have come together to create our own traditions. We are a family.
This year, I have tried to use my creativity to make a lot of my gifts. I think that love comes through in things you make with your hands. I am trying to see the happy in things that maybe I have missed in the past. I want my children to know that "Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe it means just a little bit more." I am happy for the love I have been given. I am happy for great friends and family. I am thankful that my children and husband are healthy and safe. So this Christmas, as I try to tie up loose ends, I am not going to worry so much about perfection. I am going to take the time to enjoy these moments with my children, for they grow up way too fast. I am going to remember the joy from my past and I am going create joy for our future. I am going to hold my husband a little tighter, because you never know long we have in this life time together. I am going to be happy if I burn Christmas dinner. I am going to be happy if the tree falls over. I am going to be happy if the house is a mess. This Christmas, I am going to just be.....happy. For at the end of the day, this is truly the best gift we can receive.
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