Heart to Heart

As I approach my 33rd birthday, I have made a very difficult decision. This decision wasn't easy, nor was it joyful. It was a quiet realization that surfaced after I had some serious testing done. I am embarrassed to admit that I have let my body down. I have a family history of cholesterol and heart problems. My gran died unexpectedly, nearly 10 years ago from a massive heart attack. My dad has cholesterol so high that at times they can't even register his triglycerides. He has now been diagnosed with diabetes. This had been a very hard pill to swallow. My cholesterol is out of control. My good cholesterol is nearly void and my glucose is high. This does not fair well for me. This has been a massive eye opener. This is my opportunity to change...this is part of my journey.

I think that so often we get caught up in the vanity of our weight, instead of our health. It is quite simply, easy to ignore. We don't physically see the damage we are doing on the inside, since all you can see is the outside.  It can be easy to ignore. I am scared for the long lasting effects that this may have on my children. Just a couple of weeks ago, a young mom at our school lost her fight to cancer. Although I didn't know her personally, I was profoundly affected by her death. Her children are so young. It truly breaks my heart deeply. It scared me. It brought to the surface, the devastation and loss of my gran. That depth of loss changes you forever. I was angry at her for not taking the medication for her heart that the doctor prescribed. I still needed her...I still do.

I made a decision. No more excuses. No more lying to myself. No more taking my youth for granted. No more hiding. No more failing. No more bullshit.....

I want to live. I don't mean live, as in physically breathe. I mean LIVE! Live with passion, joy, and confidence. I have wasted so much of this life hiding. I won't run in the park with my kids because of how winded I get. I won't take them to the pool because I won't wear a bathing suit. I dream of going to Mexico with my husband, but am too embarrassed of my weight to go. What would I even wear? I'd have to go to the beach....you can't wear sweaters in Mexico. Most importantly though, I have allowed my children to eat foods that I have NEVER allowed before. Simply to feed my own addiction. That has made me the saddest of all. 

So a couple of weeks ago, as I was receiving my test results, I also had a good friend of mine, Crystal from Level 6 Images, take some very unflattering photo's of me. I wanted them real, unedited and raw. I needed to see myself in a "Before" situation. I needed to see the truth. I also took my measurements and logged my  weight. Seeing that number on the scale was the hardest part of all. So after some tears and a big pity party.....and yes Ice Cream was invited, I owned myself. All of it. And I owe it to her to make a change.

This is my journey. I have struggled with the decision to post the pics. I'm not ready yet. It's still too raw for me. Besides, right now it's not a before picture, it's just a bad picture of a fat girl. I have owned it for me, and when the time is right, I'll release her into the world and set her free. She will then be my "before" picture.

In the last couple of weeks, I have had to own the word no. I am a pleaser, and I struggle with letting people down. What I realize now, is that in doing so, I have let myself, my husband and my children down. Why am I rearranging my life for my clients, and not myself? This had to come to an abrupt halt. My health and mental wellness depends on it. This was a topic that my husband and I were butting heads over. Then all of a sudden, we had an "aha" moment. We finally came to terms with what the other one wanted and needed, and we finally made the connection that we were both missing. I can't even put into words what an amazing change this has created in our family. 

I myself have begun a journey of change. I have started to take responsibility for my health and finally found a way to silence the voice of sabotage. This time it is for my heart, and my future. 

I have signed up at the gym again. I forgot about how much I love to work out. Although Miss C screamed for 45 minutes the first day I went, I still went the next day. She is going to have to deal with it. I need that time for me. 

I have started being accountable to my Weight Watchers. Apparently it only works if you actually admit to what you are putting in your mouth. Go figure. For now, I can't commit to eating clean, but I can commit to eating healthy. My kids are still young and I need to be able to have ice cream occasionally, and enjoy a good burger. Weight Watchers allows me the freedom of choice. Once I am told I can't have something, you can be damn sure that I'll have 5 of them....

So today I began week 2. I am calling this, The Summer of Me. I am not going to feel guilty for not working so much. I am not going to beat myself up for turning down clients. I am not going to try to accommodate everyone else's schedule. I am going to take care of ME for a while, and everyone is just going to have to accept it. My kids included. Because in order for me to be here in the future, I have to be here in the present. 

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”  Andre Gide