Gutted

I have come here tonight in a exhausted, lump of a person. I am struggling. I feel gutted and raw. I am lonely. As usual, I will wear my heart on my sleeve and be vulnerable, here, where I am free to be me. Send my thoughts into the abyss. I honestly don't really even care if anyone reads it. I write for me. I write for the other mommy out there who is also waging her own war, in her own way.  I write because I feel better, and maybe, someone else will too. They won't feel alone as they read my words. I won't feel alone knowing they were heard.

Those closest to me, friends and family are aware of a secret that I have been keeping. I have not publicly acknowledged it until now, and I'm not really sure how I feel about exposing it tonight either. My heart just needs a voice tonight. 

Last fall, my husband and I separated. We have been through more in almost 11 years, than many couple go through in a lifetime. We have struggled. We have survived. We have been triumphant.....we have failed. We are lost. We are damaged. It is painful. It is raw. 

Many people have been asking if we are going to get through this. Many days, I am strong in the belief that we can over come. Some days, I question if we can. I am often confused as to how I feel, what I need, and how to even begin to repair the years of damage that has been done. It has not been an easy road. It has been a road full of love for each other, masked in angry words, hurtful actions, and a tremendous amount of neglect, on both parts. I have been so consumed by motherhood, and the loss of myself that I stopped seeing him. I stopped listening to him. I stopped being his biggest support. I failed my vows. I failed my marriage. I failed. 

As this journey has progressed, I have found strength in myself in places I never had imagined. Strength is important, but you can only be strong for so long. I hit my wall today. I am emotionally exhausted. I am lonely beyond belief. I long for a place to rest, but tonight I was reminded, that I am alone in this journey. I am alone. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone, I get through the day.....alone. Every day. I am sad. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I take the blame. Sometimes I lay all the blame on him. Tonight I ran through our past. Our struggles. Tonight I cried. I cried for all the empty promises, the wasted time, and the feelings that were brushed under the rug. I cried over the neglect. 

I am struggling tonight. I am struggling to stay on track with my eating. I am struggling to get all the jobs done around the house. I am struggling with my self worth. I am struggling with fear. I am struggling with anger over how we ended up here. I am struggling.......It is real. It is raw. It is vulnerable. It is terrifying. 

I worry that I will never be enough. For him, or anyone else. When all the cards are on the table, am I enough? Are my insecurities too big? Is my anxiety too much to take on? Am I too demanding....too selfish....too spoiled...too emotional......too broken. Too broken? Am I too broken to be worth the time....

At the end of this road, full of pain and struggle, broken dreams, and broken hearts, I wonder what healing looks like. I wonder how much hurt lies ahead. I wonder when all this is said and done, who will I be. 

This is my heart, open and raw. Honest and unapologetic. This is my soul. It may not be pretty, but it's real. I will never be perfect, but I will be honest. Genuine. Terrified. Gutted.

and she's one....

One year ago today, in a very rapid and scary 1 hr 42 minutes, my sweet girl arrived and changed our world forever. She has taught me more in the last year than I ever thought possible. She lives everyday the same way she arrived....like a bull in a china shop. She is such a ray of sunshine and joy. I can not believe how much I love watching my big two with her. She has brought so much laughter into our home. She is so damn funny. She is loud, and boisterous, shouty and pushy. We love it.

The first few months with her took such a toll on me. I wish I could go back and tell the exhausted me, that it was all going to be ok, and worth it. I think it's hard to imagine, when you are going through hard times in your life, to believe that it is going to all work out. This too shall pass. You will survive. It's all true. I am sad that I didn't get to revel in the newborn glory, and feel robbed. I'm heartbroken that it has gone WAY TOO FAST. I wasn't prepared for the months to fly by, in a rapid blink of an eye, to be staring down her first birthday already seems unimaginable. I will admit that if I was in a different situation...I would totally do it all again (eeeek...I said it) She is like baby crack! I've said it before, but the baby stages are my favorite moments of my entire life. Yes, I am sleep deprived, time crunched, and a walking disaster....and I would pause these moments in a heart beat. Stop time. Squeeze out every single last drop of baby-hood before it slips away into the abyss. I am so grateful for the gifts I have been given. Blessed doesn't seem like enough words. 

One year. 365 days. I have no idea where on earth it went. How it slipped away? What exactly did I do with it? Did I write down enough? Take enough photos? Stop and play enough? Sing enough? Snuggle enough? Because now it's gone, and we are moving on to the next phase of life with a toddler. I'm so thankful that my big two are so well behaved and eager to help me wrangler her. She is a full time job. She is a wild animal. She hollers at the top of her lungs. She stomps her little feet. She pushes her sister off of chairs, and out of her way. She tries to play in the toilet. She opens, climbs in, and turns on the dishwasher. Relentlessly. She climb into the fridge before you can stop her. She runs. She has no fear. She is A LOT of work. She is pure joy and love. She has my heart wrapped around her noisy little finger. 

The last year has taught me so many lessons. I began drinking coffee at 34.  It has solely been responsible for helping me to survive. I learned that one mommy to 3 children is REALLY not enough mommy. One mommy, an 8 year old and a five year old is barely enough to wrangle "Shouty McGavin". 
Small hands have a long reaching ability. Whether it's the fridge, big sisters "forbidden" drawers, desk, remotes or counter, those little hands can reach more than you ever anticipated. 
Anything electronic is fun. If she can get her hands on remotes, phones, the computer mouse or  anything from the wii.....she runs away with her tiny hands clasped around it with the speed of a cheetah. 
You'd like to go to the bathroom? Not without someone banging on the door and shouting at the top of her lungs. If you're brave enough to let her in, be prepared to have go-go gadget arms to prevent the digging in the trash, smashing the scale, unrolling the toilet paper, pulling down the shower curtain, eating the soap or stealing the shampoo bottles. It happens in 30 seconds. 
Stairs are not scary? I can't decide if she is lacking depth perception or fear. She has not only scaled our entire flight of stairs in seconds, before I saw her, but she will walk right off of them with out fear. That's hardly terrifying as a mother. Baby gate was installed immediately.
You'd like to sleep? No thank you. None for me. Some nights are amazing with only one or two wake ups. We mostly are up an average of 3-5 however.....still. Hence the coffee.
The best way to signal that you are finished eating is to use your entire arm to clear the piles of remaining food onto the floor. Do not use the sign "all done", although you are very capable of using it. Best to just make a mess. 
If all else fails, and you are still not getting your way, shout at the top of your lungs, and stomp your feet. It won't work, but it makes everyone laugh around you. Causing you to then laugh, making everything better.

Today I am so thankful for a healthy baby girl. She keeps me on my toes, and makes me smile countless times a day. She is so loved by us that there is not enough words to explain the depth of my joy. So now we look forward to the next phase of life, that will bring me a toddler and say goodbye to my baby. My heart is sad, full, happy, and aches all at the same time. I think I will always have "the ache". I'm that kind of woman. I think there will never be a day that I don't honestly say "I could do that again". I am grateful for what I have been given. I am just a mommy. I don't love my children any less than any other mommy out there. I am no different. I just think as I watch my last baby grow right before my eyes, I pause with reflection. I look back at the last 8 years of mother hood. Some days I miss me. Some days are really hard. Some days I watch the clock and count the hours down to bedtime. But often I ache, as I watch my beautiful children grow right before my eyes into beautiful people. Today as I celebrate my baby girls first birthday, I will reflect on the year past. I will make promises for the future. I will probably cry. Today I will hold her tight and be grateful. Don't ever forget to do the same. 

Bringing up baby

Holy hell! I knew that I was dropping the ball on the blogging world since welcoming baby, but this is ridiculous.  I read somewhere that most blogs are abandoned after 180 days...guilty? I must admit that I have not been short on topics to write about in the last 10 months, but finding the time to sit and write is next to impossible. They usually pop into my brain in the grocery isle, as I'm fighting to keep a very mobile baby in the cart, wrangling the two big ones, and struggling to remember exactly what was on the list I left sitting on the kitchen counter. Time is my biggest struggle right now more than ever before. Let's face it, I wasn't doing so well before baby. I find myself clinging by a thread to the bottom of a very tattered list, and realize that by dangling without balance, I am failing. I recently went into emergency due to chest pains.....turns out I am so stressed that it presented itself as symptoms of heart attack. That's a problem. Not to mention that I am STILL fighting a weight battle that is kicking my ass. Time. Time. Time....if you fail to plan you plan to fail...but you need TIME to plan. TIME to put yourself on the list.
Motherhood is hard. No one really gets it, until you're knee deep in children, school lunches, permission slips, laundry, grocery shopping, house cleaning and cooking dinner......and if you're a working mom, that's an entire other issue all together. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING in the entire universe. I LOVE being a mommy, but I think I'm not alone when I admit that this shit is HARD.

I was blessed with a very "spirited" baby girl this time around. She is walking at 10 months, she is into EVERYTHING, she is high maintenance, she is demanding, she does not sleep, she is a pain in the ass to nurse, and she climbs in the fridge, the dishwasher and into every single cupboard she can. She is also damn cute, funny, adorable and full of joy. I can not imagine my existence without her. She is A LOT of work.....and it was my turn. Fine. I accept that. I had a really easy ride before this. I was due. For the first time in motherhood, I am forced to admit that I might need some serious help. Since babe started walking, she is KICKING MY ASS. I chase her all day long. It is impossible to keep up on the things I need to accomplish for the house to function, and run a business. All the while excessively sleep deprived. Did I mention she DOES NOT SLEEP? I am slowly dying inside. Honestly....dying. I see all these Pinterest and Instagrams of these fit moms....and I die inside a little bit more. I want to WANT to go the gym, sooooo badly. I am so beyond exhausted, that I fear if I use the small amount of energy I have on reserve, it will literally kill me. Yes people, I am THAT tired. It happens.

The last 10 months have been filled with so many highs and so many lows. I never in my life dreamed that I would get the baby that screamed for 5-6 hours straight as a newborn. After having the worst pregnancy of my life, I had dreams of newborn snuggles and fresh baby love. Instead I was alone while my husband worked away for 5 weeks. The screaming didn't start to lessen until around the 2.5 month mark. It was HELL. I mean literal, unbearable hell. I have never experienced that in my life, and would not wish that on anyone. I missed all the blessed newborn joy....it was replaced with screams. Hers and mine. Some days I would just scream. Just stand in the bathroom and pull my hair and scream and cry. I was alone. It was horrible. After I removed all the wheat, dairy, gluten and soy from my diet it became better. She started to blossom. One can only afford to eat that way for so long however, and once I fell off the wagon, it was like a dam broke loose. Food became my survival AGAIN.

After summer, I sent off my big girl to Kindergarten and my boy to grade 3 (it goes by much too quickly) and I finally started to get some balance in the fall. By Oct I was figuring it out! Kids at school meant I could hit the gym and put baby in the child minding which meant I had some TIME for ME! The weight started to come off, and I felt like I was gaining some control back in my life. Then mid Oct my boy got the chicken pox....then the girls got the chicken pox. Then my boy got the stomach flu....then I got the stomach flu. Then the girls got head colds. Then Christmas came and my business took off like a vengence.....Then New Years came....Then baby started walking and sleeping less.....do you see a pattern here? Shit. Is. HARD. I took myself off the list again. It's easy to do.

So the moral of the story is this.  Motherhood is beyond joyful, painful, difficult, easy, happy, sad, draining, uplifting, and worth every single moment of struggle. It is the greatest gift you will ever experience. It is the best job in the world, but sometimes we have to step back and look at it from another angle. Sometimes it means calling your mother in law and giving up the kids for an entire Sunday so you can FINALLY get caught up in the house work and just have salad for dinner while you watch grown up shows and eat in the living room. On those days, you may need to blast the music in your minivan that isn't from a Disney soundtrack, and you may treat yourself to the elusive Starbucks coffee while you shop Target without being forced to visit the toy section. But you most likely will anyways, because even though you desperately wanted to get as far away from your children as you possibly could, you can't help but think of them and plan for the next birthday party, or easter basket, or valentines day surprise.  Some days it goes too fast. Some days it can't go fast enough. But no matter what speed, it just goes away. They grow up before you blink. So tomorrow I will attempt yet again to get to the gym. I will try to find balance. I will try to put myself on the list. I may suck at it. But at least I'm trying.